Understanding Codependency in Relationships

Do you find yourself in relationships that feel one-sided? Are you hyper-focused on the needs and feelings of others, pushing down your own emotions? These are common shifts in relationships with family members who are struggling with addiction. If you find yourself wrestling with these feelings or constantly covering and making excuses for these family members, it’s likely you are suffering from codependency.

So, what is codependency and how do you recognize it? While you might have codependency in many relationships, it is often found when someone in the family is struggling with addiction. You may feel okay only when your loved one is on an even keel, as your emotions are dependent—not on your own perspective or experience—but on that of others. This creates an imbalance in your relationship and a situation where you are constantly focused on the needs of others instead of creating appropriate boundaries and balance for yourself. Ultimately, this is an unhealthy situation.

Understanding Codependency in Relationships

Why Change in This Unhealthy Balance is Important

If you are highly focused on the needs of others instead of your own, there can be several consequences. Emotionally, if we are dependent on others for our own emotions, this lack of personal control can lead to shame and frustration. Addicted individuals are controlled by their desire for drugs and/or alcohol. Their actions often disregard the feelings and consequences for others. If we feel enmeshed in their behavior and feelings, we inadvertently take responsibility for this poor behavior, leading to possible embarrassment, covering, and/or resentment.

Change is also critical because when we are in a codependent relationship, we often ignore our own personal needs—both physical and emotional. With little control, we may develop low self-esteem, impacting our personal and professional relationships. It’s hard to be at your best when you lack confidence. Worry and stress have negative effects on our health and can lead to depression. Feelings of helplessness often result in anger-laden interactions or make us feel like we are unable to establish our own boundaries.

Recognizing the Unhealthy Imbalance

So, what should you do if you recognize this unhealthy imbalance? The first step is to see this imbalance as codependency. In a caring family with an addicted member, it is critical to note that the behavior of others, especially of those who are struggling, cannot be controlled by you. Once you realize this, you need to turn your attention to your own needs. This will help guide you in making a plan for your own life. While this does not mean ignoring those who are addicted, it merely says you cannot let their emotions and actions control you.

Focusing on Self-Care

When developing a plan to meet your own needs, one area needing focus is self-care. This doesn’t look the same for every person, but it is an opportunity to focus on your own happiness and health. For some, this might mean a daily walk, a yoga class, or a run. For others, it might be time to read or listen to a podcast. It might look like having a massage, a spa day, or even going shopping for a new product to wash your hair. The most important component is time and activities that allow you to turn your attention inward to your own needs. This will help you rediscover your personal happiness, giving you a more balanced perspective on your world.

Establishing Personal Boundaries

To move out of codependency, another important step is understanding and establishing your personal boundaries. While we want to support others, we need to understand whether requests for actions or other support are in our own best interests. If we determine they are not, we need to be able to say no. For example, an addicted individual may request you make excuses for their behavior or lack of action. While you may want to help craft a message to others on that person’s behalf, taking ownership and stepping into the role of excuse sharer may be a boundary you wish to maintain. As you progress through your journey out of codependency, you will want to establish your own thoughts on the boundaries that work for you.

Support for Moving Out of Codependency

Support for moving out of codependency can come in a variety of forms and is a way to establish your own personal balance. Becoming part of a support group is a great way to get validation for your situation and any efforts and progress you make. It also helps to alleviate the isolation that often comes from being in a stressful and/or toxic situation.

Individual and/or family therapy is also a terrific option, as this process helps open lines of communication, lets others support a balanced view of your personal situation, and offers support and guidance for positive steps to improve both outcomes and perspectives.

Our Commitment to Helping You

Healing Family Addiction is here to help! We offer both support groups (online and accessible) as well as individual and family therapy. We bring a unique perspective as our family has personal experience with addiction. We have lived the stress, the worry, and the fear, and we have come through on the other side. This gives us an opportunity to share more than platitudes, but real-life lessons we can draw upon to help lead you to a better life. We look forward to working with you!