3 Ways I Avoided Using Threats With My Addicted Daughter
Parenting an addicted child is one of the most heartbreaking challenges a parent can face. Your natural instinct is to protect them, but addiction turns that instinct into a minefield of difficult choices. Do you enforce tough love? Do you support them no matter what? For me, avoiding threats while trying to maintain boundaries with my addicted daughter was essential. I knew I couldn’t control her choices, but I could control how I responded to them. In this blog, I’ll share three real-life examples of how I avoided using threats and instead set boundaries with compassion and empathy.
Why Avoiding Threats is Important
When your child is struggling with addiction, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of ultimatums and threats. "If you don’t stop using, I’ll cut you off." "Promise me you’ll go to rehab, or you can’t come home." These are common responses born out of fear and desperation, but they often push the addicted person away, making them feel cornered and more resistant to change.
Instead of resorting to threats, I learned to establish clear boundaries based on past behavior, not future promises. This allowed me to protect my emotional well-being while still offering my daughter support. More importantly, it opened the door to healthier communication, where she didn’t feel shamed or manipulated but knew exactly where I stood.
Example 1: Borrowing the Car
What I Wanted to Say:
"I'll only let you use the car if you promise not to go to that bad neighborhood."
How I Actually Responded:
"The last time you borrowed the car, you used it to go to a dangerous area. I can't lend it to you again until I'm sure it will be used responsibly."
Situation:
My daughter asked to borrow my car.
In this moment, my gut reaction was to use a threat to prevent her from engaging in risky behavior. I wanted her to promise me that she wouldn’t drive to a place known for drug activity. However, I quickly realized that this promise would likely be broken. Empty promises are common in addiction because the person isn't always in control of their actions. I needed to make my decision based on past behavior, not future promises.
By calmly reminding her of what happened last time, I was able to set a boundary that felt firm but not punitive. I didn’t say, “You can never borrow the car again.” I said, “Not until I feel confident that it will be used safely.” This left room for trust to be rebuilt but also protected me from the emotional turmoil of her making poor choices with my car again.
Example 2: Staying at My House
What I Wanted to Say:
"You can stay here only if you promise not to use drugs while you're here."
How I Actually Responded:
"The last time you stayed here, there were issues with drug use. I need to be confident that our home remains a safe, drug-free environment before I can allow you to stay again."
Situation:
My daughter asked to stay at my house.
As a mother, my home has always been a place of safety and love. But when addiction comes into the picture, that safety can be compromised. My first instinct was to demand a promise from her: “You can stay here, but only if you don’t use drugs.” It seemed like a reasonable condition, but I realized that simply extracting a promise wouldn’t guarantee a positive outcome. Addiction is not something you can will away with promises.
Instead, I reminded her of the past. I made it clear that her behavior had violated the safe space of our home. By framing it this way, I wasn’t attacking her character or making her feel like a bad person. I was simply stating the facts: If she wanted to stay, things had to change. This approach allowed me to protect my home and set expectations, without resorting to a conditional threat that would likely be broken.
Example 3: Offering Financial Help
What I Wanted to Say:
"I'll help you pay this bill if you promise to attend your therapy sessions."
How I Actually Responded:
"The last time I helped you financially, it didn't go towards your recovery. I need to see consistent effort in your treatment before I can provide financial support again."
Situation:
My daughter asked for help paying a bill.
It’s hard to say no when your child asks for financial help, especially when they’re struggling. But I learned the hard way that simply giving money in the hopes it would lead to recovery rarely works. My first reaction was to tie financial assistance to a promise: “I’ll help, but only if you promise to go to therapy.” But I knew, based on past experiences, that she could promise anything in the moment, and it wouldn’t necessarily lead to action.
Instead, I used her past behavior as a guide. The last time I helped, the money didn’t go where it was supposed to. So, I responded with, “I need to see consistent effort in your treatment before I can offer help again.” This way, I avoided the trap of threats and empty promises and shifted the focus onto accountability. I wasn’t punishing her, but I was setting a clear boundary: my financial support was conditional on real, tangible progress, not words.
The Power of Boundaries Over Threats
What I’ve learned through these experiences is that boundaries are much more effective than threats. Threats often create a power struggle, where the addicted person feels pressured and backed into a corner. They might agree to promises they can’t keep, just to avoid conflict or rejection, but this only sets everyone up for more disappointment.
Boundaries, on the other hand, are about protecting yourself and your values. They allow you to define what is acceptable in your relationship without controlling or forcing the other person to change. You’re not saying, “Do this, or else.” Instead, you’re saying, “This is what I need in order to feel safe and respected.”
By focusing on boundaries, I was able to maintain my relationship with my daughter without sacrificing my own mental and emotional health. I couldn’t control her addiction, but I could control how I responded to it. And in doing so, I created a space for healthier communication and, hopefully, her eventual recovery.