Enabling Behaviors in Families with Addiction
When a loved one is sick, it’s only natural that you want to help them and comfort them, even if you can’t take away the pain. You might bring them chicken soup and hot tea or help them around the home while they recover. So, if your loved one is going through addiction, shouldn't you offer to help them in the same way?
The problem with “helping” someone with a substance use disorder is that it often turns to enabling. How are the two different? “Enabling” means doing something for someone who can do it themselves. “Helping” means doing something for someone who can’t do it themselves. Unfortunately, when you enable your loved one, you prevent them from experiencing life on life’s terms and the full consequences of their substance use.
For example, let’s say that your adult son lives with you and spends his days drinking alcohol and smoking weed with friends. You work all day, return home and then have to cook dinner and handle the chores. When you ask your son when he’s going to get a job and start contributing, he comes up with an excuse.
Enabling is not good for the enabler, the person being enabled or the rest of the family. In order for your loved one to recognize the extent of their problem and be willing to seek help, this pattern of behavior must stop. Let’s learn more about enabling, why family members often find themselves in this position and what you can do instead.
Enabling: What it Looks Like in Families with Addiction
People who engage in enabling typically don’t do so intentionally. Usually, they believe they are keeping their loved one safe. They believe that if they don’t step in and “help” their loved one, they will end up in jail or dead. So, they continue doing things for their loved one to keep them “safe,” such as paying their bills or giving them a place to live.
But it’s important to recognize that enabling doesn’t help. Over time, it can have a damaging effect on you, your loved one and others in the household. It’s difficult for your loved one to want help when they don’t see the consequences of their addiction. While you certainly don’t need to wait for your loved one to hit rock bottom, they do need some level of discomfort before the desire to change happens.
Here are some of the ways you might be enabling your loved one:
Providing financial assistance
Ignoring problematic behavior
Making excuses for their behaviors
Taking on their responsibilities
Avoiding or downplaying the issue
Not recognizing your own needs
Not following through on consequences
What are the Problems with Enabling?
As mentioned earlier, enabling protects your loved one from experiencing the consequences of their actions. If you provide a comfortable life with all the things they need, they’ll have no reason to stop using drugs or alcohol. It takes some discomfort for a person to go through the stages of change.
The issues with enabling are far-reaching and can include:
Unintentionally supporting the addiction. Enabling makes it easier for a person to continue using substances. You are not helping when you are enabling.
Creating unhealthy family dynamics. If you assume the role of enabler, other members in the household often adopt unhealthy roles as well. Furthermore, when you enable you can ultimately feel resentful when your “help” does not create change. All of your attention ends up going towards one person.
Negatively impacting your emotional and physical health. When you enable most likely you are putting your own needs aside. The addiction becomes worse, which means so does the overall situation. This puts your emotional and physical health at risk, especially when you continue giving your attention to the person with the addiction.
Breaking the Cycle of Enabling
When families come to us, they are usually unaware of their enabling behaviors. They truly believe they are keeping their loved one safe, especially if they are the parent and their job is to protect. We definitely respect this, but enabling actually moves a person closer to danger, not further from it. Continuing to use drugs or alcohol is not safe or healthy, and enabling sets up the perfect dynamics for this behavior to continue.
So what can you do instead? The first thing to do is seek help for yourself in the form that you need. Some people benefit from a support group, while others prefer individual counseling or family therapy. Educate yourself about addiction and the treatment options available for your loved one. This way, you can help them when they are ready.
Second, set and enforce healthy boundaries. Everyone’s boundaries look different, so you need to determine what is acceptable behavior in your household. If you have younger children in the home, you may ask that your loved one have no contact with them until they get sober. Or, you may refuse to give your loved one financial support unless they are willing to get help. Be prepared to enforce these boundaries and follow through with the appropriate consequences.
Lastly, remember that you are not giving up on your loved one. You are supporting their recovery - not their addiction. When you do communicate with your loved one, show love and support. Avoid judgments and ultimatums, as these are not effective and can turn the person away from seeking help. Also, choose the right times to talk (e.g., not when they are under the influence) and enlist professional help when needed. You do not have to do this alone.
At Kimberly & Lyle, we are here for you. We have gone through the trenches with family addiction and know what it took for us to recognize our own problems and finally accept the help we needed. Let us help you, too. Contact us today to learn more about our services and free bi-weekly support group and how to get help with family addiction.